Skillful Communication
Our relationships with others can be a profound source of stress, as well as a powerful opportunity for growth. In mindfulness training we recognize the attitudes and internal processes we bring to each interaction and learn to take more responsibility for our own reactivity.
A subtle but powerful shift in attitude toward our thoughts as well as our emotions is to understand them as events that occur in the mind – objects of mind that come and go. This helps us to identify with our thoughts in a softer, more flexible way. Notice the huge difference between these two statements: (1) “I am so angry at you because of what you told me!” versus (2) “Anger is arising in response to what I heard.”
The possibility of understanding thoughts and emotions as experiences that are “not us” allows for spaciousness and increases the options we have in how we respond to others.
Communication and interaction can be a powerful source of stress and a deep source of joy and connection. How can we increase our skillfulness in communication so that we know our feelings and express them with greater awareness of ourselves and others?
Homework
- Formal: Alternate longer sitting meditation (30-40 minutes, on your own or use the Open Awareness recording) with Mindful Movement with Gentle Yoga or the Body Scan (using recordings or on your own).
- Informal: Practice mindful listening: listen mindfully to another for about 5 minutes with full attention.
Practices
May 24 MBSR 6 - playing with the awareness
May 24 MBSR 6 - guided reflection on challenging communication
Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive (Communication Lens, 1)
Communication styles can vary widely based on personality, age, gender, race, our family’s style, and the culture or place we grew up in. This model is one of many. Try it on and see what fits!
Passive Communication
When using passive communication, we do not express our needs or feelings effectively. Passive communicators may not respond at all to hurtful situations, but instead allow themselves to be taken advantage of or treated unfairly. This may be an attempt to avoid conflict and unpleasant situations. For women and BIPOC people, especially, this can be an effective survival strategy, a way to stay safe. However, it’s worth examining, as it can at times be self-defeating.
Traits of passive communication:
- Body language oriented away
- Speaking softly and using vague words (“I guess… Well….”)
- Allowing others to take advantage
- Freezing, silence
Aggressive Communication
When we engage in aggressive communication, we often violate the rights of others in expressing our own feelings and needs. What does it tell you about your inner state if you find yourself communicating aggressively? What might it suggest about another person?
Traits of aggressive communication:
- Use of criticism, humiliation, and domination
- Frequent interruptions and failure to listen to others
- Easily frustrated
- Speaking in a loud or overbearing manner
- Aggressive body language and intimidating use of eye contact
Assertive (Direct) Communication
When we employ direct communication, we express our needs and feelings in a way that also respects the rights of others. This mode of communication displays respect for BOTH people involved in the exchange. What helps you access direct, assertive communication? What blocks this possibility?
Traits of assertive communication:
- Listens without interrupting
- Clearly states needs and wants using “I” statements
- Warm, connected body language
- Warm, expressive voice
- Honest, direct, compassionate, vulnerable
We may employ different styles in different situations. Where do you find yourself being passive, aggressive, direct?
R.A.I.N. - Meeting Difficult Moments
Mindfulness training generally reduces rumination and worry by helping us see our thoughts and emotions with a little more space, and by providing us with tools such as breath and body awareness to work with our attention.
And yet we also carry difficult internal issues. We face serious life challenges. While resting more in the present moment helps, we also need tools to face our challenges.
It’s helpful to include practices that embrace the difficulty of life and turn towards the challenges we face (and too often worry, fret, and ruminate over).
The practice of RAIN is one of these practices. The acronym R.A.I.N. can remind us of a wise way to meet difficult situations with mindfulness and kindness towards ourselves and others.
R
Recognize
what is happening. See it more deeply. Feel it for what it is. What is the challenge you're facing? Recognize.
A Allow and Accept. What is, is. Can we shed some of our resistance and aversion and allow and accept the challenge to be a part of our lives? Allow and Accept.
I Investigate your inner experience. Exploring more deeply still. What are the feelings behind the feelings? How does this challenge manifest in the body? Drop into the spaciousness of mindfulness practice and Investigate.
N Non-identification. Don’t let this difficulty define you. All humans have challenges. All humans make mistakes. Bad things happen. Consider that this challenge might not be your fault, though it is still your responsibility to find a way to meet it wisely. It’s just a challenge; it isn't all of you. And it’s not just you: consider that just like you, many other people face a challenge similar to yours. Everything is workable. Non-identification.
RAIN directly de-conditions the habitual ways in which we resist our moment-to-moment experience and turn away from our challenges. It doesn’t matter whether you resist “what is” by lashing out in anger, by having a drink, or by getting immersed in obsessive thinking. Our attempts to control the life within and around us actually cut us off from our hearts and from this living world. RAIN begins to undo these unconscious patterns as soon as we take the first step.